I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
