he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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