i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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