She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
