"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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