Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
you made out with another girl for some wings
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
