soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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