about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize