how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
