If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
