all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
