can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
