It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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