I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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