his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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