i permit you to call me
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
