Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
