Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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