i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
