maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
