Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
