I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
