just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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