I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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