She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize