Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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