and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
