when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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