I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
