i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
