just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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