sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
