my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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