i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
