I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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