Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
