She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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