So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
