Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
