i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
