I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
