You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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