OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
