i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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