im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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