Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
