guys are not supposed to queef...right?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
