OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
