there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
