We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
