I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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