I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
