He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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