If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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