New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
