you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
