Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
